When I Wonder & Ponder... about Kicks.

These past days, maybe weeks, 

I was really hoping and waiting to be kicked...

Yes, you read it right:

I was hoping and waiting ... to be kicked!

It made me wonder and ponder as well...

Normally you'd do anything to get out of the way of a kick, 

and prevent any situation where you could end up being kicked...

Actually, when I think of it... 

I think I am pretty lucky

as I have NEVER been in the situation 

that someone would have kicked me on purpose...

... it would always be a mistake, a slip, a stumbling... 

that would end up in a kick...

Even as a child:

I remember bites and whacks and slaps from my siblings 

in the worst case scenarios 

(that I can count on one hand even though I have three siblings)

but not kicks on purpose... 

So why am I longing for kicks right now?

I am expecting a baby!

And I am at that stage where you can start feeling the movement of the baby

... in the form of tiny little kicks 

- the sweetest darling kicks in the world

that fill your heart with the most unique joy you could ever imagine. 

This tiny little being, 

growing in my tummy, 

completely dependent on me,

being completely nurtured by me, 

not only in the physical way but also in the spiritual way...

nurtured by my endless love...

...for month and month now

this love of mine is endless and gratuitous 

and apparently utterly unilateral...

I wrote APPARENTLY on purpose!

Since the day I found out, that I am expecting a baby, 

my heart was filled with joy. 

Of course it was the baby filling my heart with joy!

And the endless gratefulness for this gift of life, 

this wonder that I (we!) can be part of. 

On the other hand - apparently - this wonder is almost a secret.

First of all: it takes months to even realize, and truly believe, 

that it is really happening 

and that my husband and I are really part of this amazing adventure. 

(It's the most beautiful thing to be 'conspirators' of creation 

and to carry this secret in our hearts!!)

...

It takes months for it to even show to the outside world, 

and it takes months and months till there is a first kind of reaction from the baby itself;

a reaction that assures you, 

that all those songs you've been singing to your tummy, 

that all the cute things and cuddles your husband has whispered into your bellybutton, 

that all the caresses, kisses and loving thoughts that both of you've been sending to your tummy...

that all this love is finally reciprocated!

How?

Through a simple, tiny tiny little kick. 

They say you never forget the first time you feel your baby kick...

Well...

I have to admit that it took me some time to actually realize and distinguish

that this time it truly is my/our darling baby 'communicating' with me/us and reacting to my/our love. 

I might not be able to pinpoint a date and time of the first kick, 

but I will never forget the joy that filled my heart 

every single time that I even only suspected it being the first kick! 

Oh how sweet an expression of love this tiny little kick is! 

Who knew, 

I could be so excited every single time I felt this tiny little whisper of a kick!

Who knew, I would longingly be hoping and waiting to be kicked:

kicked by the love of my child! 

When I Wonder Ponder... about Angels

Angels are on my mind a lot these past months... 

As a child I often wondered, 

why we pray to angels and the different saints, or even to Mary 

and not directly to God. 

I wondered what the point of it is: 

why not go to the highest authority with my prayers, 

why go through the angels and saints instead?! 

These past months (since Christmas),

and the amount of prayer that they were filled with, 

made me understand an important difference. 

A distinction that perhaps I knew all along, 

but I never stopped to wonder and ponder in depth about it thus far... 

I realized that I actually never pray TO angels, saints or even Mary 

and that I only ever pray TO God. 

I realized, that when I direct my prayers towards angels, saints or Mary 

I actually don't pray TO them but istead ask them to pray FOR and WITH me to God. 

It's almost like pulling a rope: 

allone it's too hard, but when Mary, the saints and the angels pitch in...

... we might just be able to pull it through... 

I pray to Mary like I would revolve myself to my mum: 

asking her to take me under her protective arms 

and to ask dad to grant me that wish that I almost don't dare to ask him myself. 

I pray to the different saints to keep echoing my prayers to God, 

to be like loudspeakers that multiply my prayer, 

that carries it to God faster than the speed of light... 

I pray to saints but also everyone dear to me 

who I firmly believe is in heaven and rejoices with God already. 

I feel this strong connection to my grandparents in the past months: 

in the moments of desperation and the feeling of senselessness,

I would cry out to them, 

asking them to pray and beg God,

not only on my behalf, but on our behalf: 

just like when we were little, 

when we used to pray together on the big bed with that flower painting above it every night, 

sitting in their laps and holding their old precious hands, 

feeling so secure and protected and loved... 

But what about angels? 

It really does make me wonder...

They can't just be the same as saints... 

Surely there is a difference! But what is the diference? 

In  the cathedral of our Lady of Angels in Los Angeles, 

(where the picture above has been made)

there are a 'million' angel-candelholders and each and every one of them is different. 

It's fascinating! 

Everytime I go there I stop and look 

at the different expressions and different 'personalities' 

of each of these angels. 

They really fascinate me 

and they seem new and different every single time I see them... 

These different 'personalities' of each and every angel

made me wonder and ponder a lot... 

... and I started speculating... 

(maybe instead I should have read up on this topic 

in some church documents or the writings of the teachers of the church... 

... but after all: I do love speculating and so I just continued speculating instead...)

So I started speculating: 

Just as every single angel is different in the cathedral, 

I realized, that the same way every single act of love is unique. 

And knowing how powerful love really is, 

it wouldn't surprise me if a true act of love found a way to materialize 

and actually become a eternal timeless being... 

Maybe every little act of love generates a new angel?! 

Maybe angels indeed are: love materialized!? 

Then, whe I pray: 

"Angels, be with her in this difficult period, 

protect her, guide her, make her feel loved, 

take all my love to her..."

Then... 

to catch up with this prayer I truly need to love in every moment of my everyday life, 

even though I am far away and can't help her in person...

Then...

whatever I do here, 

all the way on the other end of the world, 

truly out of love and love alone, 

this act then really becomes prayer. 

A prayer materialized and palpable,

all the way on the other end of the world too. 

Then...

it truly isn't useless for me to love and act and offer and sacrfice 

even the little things in my everyday life... 

Then...

even washing dishes our of love 

- becomes a prayer, becomes an angel; 

even smiling at my students and being truly present with them in class 

- becomes a prayer, becomes an angel; 

even the tinyest act of love 

- becomes a prayer, becomes an angel.

So:

even though it might easily feel like all these little things are useless;

even though it might seem the hardest thing, 

to continue your 'silly little everyday life' when faced with this much pain; 

even though you might feel so weak from sadness and suffering

that you would much rather just stay in bed and cry; 

even though you might feel like every little thing you spend any amount of time on

just steals away the time of prayer that could actually help her; 

even though you are here and she is all the way there, on the other end of the world; 

and all this might seem that it can't reach her, that it can't benefit her, strengthen her, help her... 

Instead: It does! It truly does! 

Maybe even more concretely 

and in a more real way 

than if I was actually physically present... 

Now I feel like everytime I make an act of love or say a prayer... 

it personifies as an angel that I can send to her. 

As a pillow of love under her head when she rests; 

as a warm loving embrace that gives her hope; 

as a good thought that pops up in her mind and makes her smile; 

as a reassuring touch that gives her strength to continue her jurney; 

as a million little kisses that in the end will heal her completely...

So I pray for her to God, 

I ask Mary, the sainst and all my loved ones in heaven to aplify my prayers, 

and through my everyday acts of love, I want to send her all the angels:

that they pamper her and cuddle her and carry her through this difficult period. 

When I Wonder & Ponder... and then I'm slapped in the face...

There are certain news that shake your whole world.

They shake your world when you hear them happening to random people you don't know - you feel compassion, sympathy... But somewhere deep inside you think that all that badness and ugliness is far outside of you and irrationally you think, that those things can't happen to you or your loved ones... So even though you are shaken, and you keep those suffering people in your prayers, you just go about your normal day and continue your everyday life... 

There are certain news that shake your whole world. 

When you hear these news happening to people you know, these news shake you profoundly. It's not just something that happens far far away, but now it's something that happened next to you: it touches you. The sadness you feel is deeper, the compassion and sympathy invade your heart and the pain these people experiment touches you profoundly. You can't just hear those news and then continue whatever you were doing beforehand as if nothing happened. Your everyday life gets somewhat infused with the pain of these people and you find yourself offering prayers, thoughts, short cry-outs to God with their intentions. You carry them in your heart and try to live for them and with them the pain they are going through... 

There are certain news that shake your whole world. 

If they happen to those closest to you: your brother, your best friend, your sister... 

These news truly shake your entire world - actually they brake your heart... 

They make you feel as if a giant monster took you by your collar and shook you in all possible directions. Afterwards, when he puts you back down from where he picked you up, you are so confused and disoriented, rattled and shaken... Scared of what might come.... Freaked out of why this happened and where this giant came from so suddenly anyway... 

Like after a huge wave washing over you and turning you round and around in the water for so long, that not only you don't know what's up and what's down, what's left and what's right... but you are also out of breath: so much so that you are just about to give up holding it and irrationally going to open your mouth and breathe in just to realize you are still under water and now swallowing this salty, sandy and fishy liquid...

It's like a strong slap that knocks your breath away: tears are swelling into your eyes, and your entire body wants to scream. Your breath is gone, your voice is gone... You can't see from all the tears; you can't move because your entire body is trembling with pain and disbelief... 

Secretly you are praying and hoping that all this is just a dream. That there will be a moment - hopefully very soon - when you wake up in you cozy bed, covered with your fluffy blanket... You wake up in shock but then you realize: Oh thank goodness, this all was just a dream. 

But it's not... 

It's the exact opposite: Often you wake up at night, forgetting for a split moment about all the bad news. And then (it really only takes seconds) you remember: you remember the news, the pain... and you burst out crying again... 

Again: no breath, no voice... only tears and trembling... 

When there is someone suffering that is so close to you - it becomes your suffering! 

This affects you so deeply it almost paralyzes you - it is impossible to just go about your life after news like this... 

How could you? 

How can I go wash dishes or cook dinner when this is happening? 

How can I really be present when spending time with my spouse 

or friends or teaching my students... ??

How can the world still carelessly turn when MY world stopped turning completely?! 

How can everyone around me go about their day as if nothing had happened 

when MY heart is clenched with paralyzing pain? 

How can I truly be in the moment and live well: here and now, 

when every particle of my entire being is shattered?! 

...

How can I truly believe in God-Love 

and that all this is part of an amazingly beautiful plan of perfection

that He has with each and every one of us?

...

And yet: 

I really truly do! 

...

Realizing, that this amazingly beautiful plan of perfection will only work if I do my part as well. 

Realizing that my part is to love!! 

TO LOVE and nothing else! 

TO LOVE through washing dishes and cooking dinner! 

TO LOVE through really being present 

when spending time with friends or teaching my students... 

This is the only way how suddenly 

every activity I do, every moment I spend, every breath I take... 

become prayer. 

...

TO LOVE... 

...and nothing else! 

Merry merry Christmas!!

May the spirit of Christmas 

fill your heart and home

with love, joy and peace

this wonderful season

and throughout the 

New Year 2014!

Tears...

These days I am lost for words...

Today I found this short meditation from Chiara Lubich about Jesus weeping. 

It fits what I am going through these days so well: 

validating the pain and 'allowing' me to cry 

as well as consoling me and redirecting my gaze 

away from myself and towards God who is Love even in the darkest hour... 

(I did my best to find an English version of this meditation 

but I didn't succeed - so for now, the italian version will have to suffice...)

E "Gesu scoppio in pianto...
profondamente commosso".

Sono parole del Vangelo. 

Gesu, il tuo pianto! 

Oh come ci consola il tuo pianto!

In esso ritroviamo il nostro;

esso ci garantisce, che hai pieta di noi, 

del nostro pianto, 

perche l'hai sperimentato.

Dove vedi lacrime, vedi Te.

E Tu, il Sicuro, l'Eterno, 

l'Immutabile, la Beatitudine, 

hai provato nella tua anima umana il turbamento. 

Grazie, Gesu, 

della tua Passione e Morte, 

ma anche di questi brevi episodi, 

che ti fanno sentire tanto vicino a noi

in ogni esitazione dell'anima, 

in ogni agitazione. 

Quando noi siamo cosi, ti ricordiamo,

e Tu ti rivedi in noi

e continui la tua passione 

nelle tue membra, 

per la salvezza di tutti. 

(Pasqua 2004, Chiara Lubich) 

Note: 

I found this beautiful post called 'Jesus wept' 

on a very cool blog called Eyebeleave by Irene Niravalambana

I especially love when Irene paraphrases Pope Francis and writes:

"Pope Francis takes the importance of tears one step further, 

by likening them to lenses through which we recognize Jesus"

And at the very end Irene writes: 

"Tears, when faced with suffering either of another or even of oneself, 

are not signs of weakness, but expressions of sincere, heartfelt love" 

When I Ponder & Wonder... about Time...

I look at this blog and realize, that it has been forever since I wrote anything at all (or at least since I actually posted anything that I have started writing) not to mention the fact that I have barely started off this blog in the first place... 

What a shame... 

Truths is: 

Hours go by and they become days... 

Days go by and they become weeks... 

Weeks go by and they become months... 

The summer goes by and fall arrives... 

It makes me WONDER about time...

... in particular about the fact, 

that it's about time that I started wondering again; 

that it's about time that I started pondering again; 

that it's about time that I started writing about my wonder-ponderings;

and that it's about time that I started posting on ths blog again... 

It's about time for me to be back!!!

So here I am: I AM BACK :-) 

PS: I promisse: eventually I will write an actual post about time as I do like to wonder-ponder about time (and eternity) often and a lot... It's actually one of my favorite topics... :-) 

When I Ponder & Wonder... about Perspective.

(Post written on August 20th somewhere above Greenland...) 

I'm sitting on a packed plane.

My flight takes forever: hours seem like weeks and minutes seem like hours... 

But then again: these past weeks were so busy and great, that they just flew by. And the past two years - I can't believe how quickly they swished away...

Being squished into this seat in a seam-bursting full plane is irritating. I seem to be uncomfortable in every possible position that I can come up with in this miniature of space that's designated to be mine for the next 14 hours... I am tired and can't sleep, exhausted but can't rest... 

My mind is on a rollercoaster: 

thinking about things I left behind, things I am going to find ahead; 

missing already everyone I am leaving behind 

and at the same time looking forward to everyone I am going to reunite with; 

my thought bursting with ideas, plans, things to do; 

hoping, dreaming, wishing, drifting away... 

... in my own little universe of thoughts... 

... just like each and every one of us on this packed plane... 

... just like each and every one of the tiny almost invisible people 

on the ground that I can barely see from my tiny window way up high in the air... 

Suddenly all my entangled thoughts are gone and I start wondering:

I wonder and ponder... about perspective. 

Looking out of my window - from up here - everything and everyone seems so small, almost invisble... 

Yet, each of them: a universe of their own: a complex, unique person with their own ideas, thoughts, hopes & dreams, expectations & disappointments, fears & worries... 

Each of them sees the world in a perfectly unique way... Through eyes of a soul that can not be imitated, reproduced or substituted in any way... 

Each of us such a tiny part of creation, almost too tiny to even mention in comparison with the mountains, seas and desserts... or even less compared to stars and planets... 

Yet: each of us a universe of our own... 

And the crown of creation. 

Why does God give us such importance? 

If God who is the fullness of eveything looks outside himself to our tiny nothingness...

Maybe I can look beyond my tiny universe of thoughts: 

a universe that to me seems everything: 

my biggest problem, my biggest joy, my biggest pain and my achievement... 

All this turns out to only be a tiny speck of what the universe that should concern me really is. 

My universe needs to go beyond my universe.

I need to be concerned with more than just whatever effects my single ego.

My universe needs to be more than just my universe.

I need to open up to who is around me... 

It needs to be more than that!

I need to go out of my universe to meet the others... 

It needs to be even more than that! 

My universe ARE the others!

I need to see with their eyes, feel with their hearts, percieve through their soul...

Only then do I really inhabitate what creation truly is: a dynamic of love.

Only then is my perspective a perspective of love and thus a perspective of truth. 

Suddenly my problems disappear: 

It doesn't matter if I have space in my seat, 

if I am comfy and snug,

doesn't matter what my tiny pain or tiny joy is... 

My perspective changes: 

my heart fills up with gratitude for God: God who is so much love and so purely love that he cares for even my silly insignificant problems... and through His love he teaches us what true perspective means...

I look outside my tiny window on the plane and see all those tiny people far far below on the ground... 

I say a prayer for them; put them into Gods hands: whatever their tiny little universe is going through right now: whether it's joy or pain, success or defeat, happiness or suffering... 

This way I can participate... 

This way they become my universe... 

This way, they are not alone: 

somebody is praying for them: 

doesn't matter wether they know it or not...